Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
