He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
