Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
