drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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