I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
