I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
