fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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