3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
