my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
