he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
