apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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