Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
