i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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