Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
