Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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