2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
