please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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