If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
