Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
