is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
