Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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