That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
