Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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