trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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