he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
