I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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