Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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