I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
