yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
