I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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