I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
