Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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