I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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