I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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