i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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