god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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