i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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