It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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