tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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