I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize