Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
