I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
