I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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