Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize