Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
