I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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