Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
should my penis look like a turkey
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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