i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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