Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
