im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
