Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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