Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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