My underwear smells like fireworks.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
