Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
