Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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