Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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