So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
