Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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