I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
