Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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