i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize