What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize