your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize