3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
