when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
