I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
