btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
