i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
sarcasm needs its own font
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize