is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
