My brain says no but my pants say off.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
