I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
